Read general definitions of autism. Focus on books and articles written by autistic people, since they have firsthand experience on what it is like to live as an autistic person. Be careful of your sources; some autism groups that claim to speak for autistic people actually work hard to silence them. [1] X Trustworthy Source Austistic Self Advocacy Network Nonprofit organization run by and for individuals on the autism spectrum that empowers autistic people through education and public advocacy Go to source
For example, imagine you say something like, “Gina texted me earlier today. ” You may expect him to ask you, “About what?” But your boyfriend might not understand that you are trying to have a conversation since you are not asking him a question. Instead, it might be better to ask him, “Do you want to know what Gina said when she texted me today?” or just tell him what she said. Every autistic person is different. Expect to learn and adjust over time as you get to know more about your boyfriend.
Try writing a letter to your boyfriend about what his role is in social gatherings. Use direct language and only discuss one issue at a time. For example, you might write a letter focusing on why you want him to attend parties with you. Work together on making social situations more comfortable for him. Perhaps he’d be able to handle parties if he could slip away to take a break every half hour or so, or if you set a time at which you’d leave early so he’d know he wouldn’t have to handle it for much longer.
For example, after something upsetting has happened, you could say to your boyfriend, “I’m feeling really upset right now. Could you please give me a hug? It would help me to feel better. ”
For example, if your boyfriend goes for a run every day at 7:00pm, be respectful of this time and do not try to prevent him from doing his normal routine. Stimming, such as flapping hands or watching lights, is another common autism symptom. Assume that these actions are important, even if you don’t understand why he does them.
For example, you could say something like, “I want to know more about things that you struggle with so that I can be more considerate. What would you say are the challenges that you have because of your autism?” Be sure to ask about his personal boundaries regarding touch. For example, does it bother him to be hugged? Do you need to tell him before you are going to hug him?
If he was abused when he was little by former classmates or people in his life, he may or may not want to share the details with you. The best way you can help is by respecting his desire not to disclose the details but if he wants to disclose the details to you just simply listen to him and make sure it doesn’t happen to him again and make sure to stand up for him if he gets bullied again, or by gently offering that he see a doctor (but not pushing him) if he is very stressed about it.
Be an advocate for autistic people by pointing out incorrect assumptions about the condition when you encounter them. Try starting by saying something like, “I know that ___ is a well-known stereotype about autistic people, but the truth is…” Current research has even shown that autistic people may have deeper or more intense emotional capacities than non-autistic people. [8] X Research source
For example, if you ask your boyfriend, “Do I look good in this yellow top?” you might expect or want him to say yes. But autistic people might respond with “no” if they do not think that you do. Therefore, you may want to avoid asking questions that you think might result in an answer that will upset you. Remember that honesty is your boyfriend’s way of trying to help you.
For example, when a non-autistic person like you avoids eye contact, it is often a sign of being disinterested or upset. But for an autistic person, avoiding eye contact is normal and often not a sign of anything. [11] X Research source It helps to say “I’m really stressed today” or “I had a bad day. " By extension, if he fails to make eye contact with you, do not take it as a sign that he’s disinterested in you or ignoring you, unless he tells you so. If he is doing something that bothers you, tell him. Dropping hints or being silent and then snapping at him won’t help. Be straightforward so he can understand and make a change. For example, “Please don’t chew with your mouth open. The sound really bothers me. "
For example, imagine that you get annoyed when you tell your boyfriend about your day at work and he tries to advise you on what to do. Just tell him something like, “I appreciate that you want to help me, but I really just need you to listen when I tell you about my day. ”
In addition to struggling with social situations, some autistic people lack a drive or an understanding of sexuality or sexual connotations. Therefore, he might say or do something that has a sexual implication or double-entendre that he was totally unaware of. For example, he might ask you over to a sleepover with him, having completely innocent non-sexual intentions, not understanding that this would be taken as a sexual proposition by most girls. In this case, explain to him that connotations and feelings of intimacy and sexuality go on in a bedroom atmosphere at night between people of the opposite sex, and that social sleepovers are typically reserved for younger participants or groups of the same sex like mostly sleepovers for boys only or girls only. It could potentially happen that by his avoiding eye contact with you in conversation, because of his autistic nature, he appears to be staring at your breasts or another sensitive part of your body. Don’t freak out, or assume that he’s being creepy. Simply tell him, “I don’t feel comfortable when you look in that direction” and direct his gaze to your eyes or somewhere else. If you ever do want to get intimate or sexual with him, be sure that he has a complete understanding of what sexuality is, what it’s about, and the nature of what he’s consenting to if he consents to the activity.
Avoid making “you” statements such as, “You never,” “ You are not,” “ You need to,” etc. Instead, make “I” statements such as, “I feel,” “I think,” “I want,” etc. This is a general helpful approach that works for all people (not just autistic people).
Seek to understand first, then respond. If you don’t know why he feels a certain way, ask, and listen closely to his response in what he has to say. For example, instead of responding with something like “There is no reason to be angry about what happened last night. ” Try saying something like, “I hear that you are angry about what happened last night. ”
Encourage him to get help if he exhibits signs of depression or suicidal thoughts.
