It’s okay to take some space if you need to cry and be upset. Take as much time as you need to overcome the situation.
The desire for revenge. If you start feeling this, this is the point where you are at your most dangerous. If this is an emotion that you experience, be aware that you are not thinking clearly and simply want to enact revenge upon those who you feel have wronged you. [3] X Research source You might begin plotting and planning ways to get back at either the other man/woman, or your spouse. Thoughts of a revenge affair move to the forefront of your mind and you may begin thinking of who you can sleep with in order to even the score with your spouse. You might start looking for ways to bring down your spouse’s lover by hurting him or her personally, professionally, or financially. Please remember that this phase will pass, and pure emotional decisions rooted in pain often lead to actions which one later regrets.
Things the cheater might do to hinder progress include: Refusing to answer questions regarding things that you have a right to know Refusing any “proofs” that you have a right to ask for Continued contact with the other man or woman Minimizing the situation Minimizing the relationship with the other man or woman Putting the blame back onto the victim, or Setting a time limit for when the victim should be “over it”. Be aware that doing any or all of these things is detrimental to the recovery of your relationship and make it nearly impossible for true healing to ever take place. If you are not planning to put your marriage back together, then this is the time you need to begin seeking space and time fillers. This does not mean people that you run to on the rebound and then screw up their lives for the sake of your recovery; this means finding activities and interests that you can move to the front of your life in order to fill up the empty space left by the loss of companionship. This will be a lonely time for you, but if you choose to sit around sulking and feeling sorry for yourself, you will remain in this space indefinitely.
Triggers also come in the form of seeing someone who reminds you of the other man or woman, or hearing their name. Often, looking back at old photos will also become a trigger if in the photo you are standing there smiling at the camera blindly unaware that your spouse was sleeping with someone else at that time. Triggers are all hurtful reminders. There is really no remedy for triggers or way to avoid them. The only thing to do is to try to keep from obsessing over them and driving yourself crazy about things which you cannot control.
Can you continue to live in this manner? Do you feel comfortable that you will be able to trust your spouse again and not keep beating them over the head every day with questions and comments about the affair? Have they taken responsibility for their actions, put an honest effort into repairing the relationship, vowed not only never to repeat the behavior again, but also to not allow themselves to create or support an environment or relationship where this could happen again in the future? If so, and if you feel that in time the relationship can be fixed, then moving on in your marriage is a realistic goal. If, on the other hand, your spouse refuses to acknowledge the affair, will not answer questions, behaves suspiciously, and/or continues contact with the other man or woman, you need to ascertain if you can indeed continue to live with this. If not, then reconciliation is not a realistic relationship goal. Only you can do the assessment here: Although input from others might be nice, in the long run you need to take this time to determine what is in your best interests on your own.
Develop hobbies, friends and interests of your own. This way, if your relationship does not work out, you have cushions to fall back on, and if it does work out, you have still been able to use this experience for personal growth.
