These cues can come from another person’s body language, their backgrounds, and paying attention to the details and style in which they say things. For example, someone might cross their arms when they’re angry or upset. [2] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWPsychotherapist Expert Interview. 11 June 2020. Some scientists also refer to “mind-reading motivation,” which is a skill that allows people to better understand the mental states of others. [3] X Research source For example, someone with high mind-reading motivation might notice their colleague is anxious because they keep drumming their fingers.
Being able to mentalize and understand other people’s emotional states can be a very valuable skill in the workplace, at school, or in your personal life. Anyone working in an area where they have to understand other people well—like diplomats, healthcare workers, or businesspeople—can benefit a lot from honing their mentalization skills. Studies have shown that women tend to be better at mentalizing than men. [5] X Research source People with autism may find mentalizing to be difficult. Many people with autism have strategies like practicing conversations ahead of time to manage their difficulties understanding other people’s emotions. [6] X Research source
Remember that other people are the authority on their own feelings, so try not to think you know what they need better than they do.
Deep conversations aren’t the only way to understand someone else. Small talk gives you a chance to see how someone acts normally and when they’re in a relaxed state. For example, if a friend seems bubbly and talkative when you’re discussing the weather, but takes longer to respond and gives you ambiguous answers when you ask them how their family is doing, family could be a difficult subject for them. You might say something like, “How is your sister?” and be met with a moment of silence before your friend responds “I think she’s doing good. ” In this example, your friend might be having some relationship difficulties with their sister, since they said “I think” instead of “She’s doing good. ”
Eyes: When people see something that excites them, when they’re making a hard choice, or when they’re experiencing strong feelings, their pupils tend to get bigger. [10] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Posture: Does the person you’re talking to seem stiff and tensed up, or relaxed? This can give you a clue as to how stressed they are. [11] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Facial expressions: A genuine smile involves more than just the lips. If someone is truly smiling, you’ll likely see laugh lines or small wrinkles around their eyes. [12] X Research source Someone who is frowning might be upset or angry. [13] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWPsychotherapist Expert Interview. 11 June 2020. Hand gestures: Someone who’s nervous might be restlessly playing with a pencil or another object in their hands. [14] X Research source Tone of voice: A person who is comfortable generally has a relaxed, warm, or confident tone of voice. [15] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source On the flip side, you might notice that the person sounds annoyed or angry. [16] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWPsychotherapist Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
For example, if you’re pitching a business deal to an older person, they might be more concerned about risk than a younger person, who could be excited by it. [18] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Someone from a more traditional and introverted culture may refuse to be controversial, even when they’re upset. [19] X Trustworthy Source Edutopia Educational nonprofit organization focused on encouraging and celebrating classroom innovation Go to source
If someone is causing you to feel extremely sad or happy, take this as a signal to think about if they might be feeling these emotions themselves. [21] X Research source
For example, if someone you’re interested in has a travel blog, they’ll likely feel a connection to you if you appeal to their sense of adventure.
If you want to get to know someone’s mindset better through social media, try seeing what accounts they follow to get an idea of their interests.
For example, if you’re trying to find out what activities someone might like doing on a date, try asking their sibling a question like, “What kind of food does your sister like?”
As an example, if someone has dyed their hair an unusual color and wears edgy clothing, they’re likely to have unconventional or open-minded opinions about social issues.
For example, just because you would be upset if someone else cancelled plans at the last moment, this doesn’t mean that someone else is.
People with social anxiety often struggle with using deductive reasoning instead of inductive reasoning. If you assume that people are judging you negatively and try to find a way to prove this, you aren’t mind-reading—this is just your anxiety talking. [28] X Research source
For example, you might say something like, “I think you seem a little nervous, but I could be totally off. How are you feeling?” Or, you might say, “I feel like you enjoy spending time with me, but I can’t be sure. How have you been feeling about this evening?”
